We need to talk.
I want to start off by saying it’s not you, it’s me. You’re great. In the year and half that we’ve been seeing each other you’ve been nothing but a source of freedom, a breath of fresh air, and the kick in the butt that I so desperately needed. You’ve given me some great new friends, a new found confidence, and a pair of completely remodeled legs. You have proven me wrong time and time again.
Until recently. For some reason this thing that we’re doing: track workouts, tempo runs, long runs, easy runs… it’s not working for me right now. I’m burnt out, I’m not happy, and I know my performance has been less than stellar. You don’t deserve that. And neither do I. Which is why I think that it would be best for all parties involved if we take a break for a little while.
I want you to know that this decision wasn’t easy. It brought me to tears (Which I know isn’t a hard thing to do but it means I’m emotionally attached to you). And I have to admit- I’m a little nervous to not have you a part of my daily routine. I’m scared that I’ll lose my endurance, that this base I’ve worked so hard to build will disintegrate, and there’s a big part of me that’s petrified the weight will creep back in your absence. I feel like a teenage girl going through a breakup even though I know this isn’t goodbye. I’m not sure how long of a break I need, but I’m confident I will know when the moment is right. And hopefully it won’t be too long. You and I have done some absolutely incredible things together and we’re going to keep doing those things. I want to do things even MORE incredible with you, I want you to blow all my doubts and insecurities out of the water. But if we’re going to keep making magic together I need a rest. My legs are tired, my lungs are tired, my heart is tired.
Part of me feels like I’m giving up, I’m letting it beat me. I feel like I’m letting myself and those who believe in me down, and that right there is a terrible feeling. This break certainly feels a lot more half ass than it does bad ass. But as hard as it is, I know that this means I am making my first real decision as an “athlete”. I know that in order for this to be a life long relationship we’ve got to go at it slow and steady.
So I’m turning the watch off for a bit. I’m tucking my training log book up on a shelf for now. I’m going to see other people – bootcamp, yoga and swimming. Let’s reconnect at the track again when the snow has melted and there isn’t a negative wind chill jeering behind me. Let’s talk about half marathons when I’m mentally ready for redemption. Let’s get back to that place where it was just you, me, a quiet street and a kick ass playlist. Let’s recreate that feeling of invincibility, of weightlessness, of joy that only you can give me. We’ll meet back up where we were first introduced: down by the beach where the angry ocean leaves sand on my path, where I feel like I’m the first person to see the sunrise, and where the salt air fills my burning lungs. I’ll be the girl in neon.
I’ll see you soon.