Fears, doubts, and the little voice inside.

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If you came here looking for an inspirational and motivational post I regret to inform you that you will not find that here today. Instead you’ll find some whining, some complaining…and a little bitching.

I ran 5K #8 this weekend. Since the day in January where I pulled a 27:50 out of the sky (A big deal for a girl who was running 12 minute miles over the summer!) I’ve been dying to PR, and I get close- but not close enough. I had decided that enough was enough- this was going to be the day.

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Huffing and puffing towards the finish line that seemed to never come.

But it turns out, this would not be the day- In any way, shape, or form. I ended up being slower than I’ve been all year. An absolute disappointment to myself. I started out pretty strong, but by Mile 2 I wasn’t feeling it and then once it came time to tackle the hill- forget it. I completely lost steam and …WALKED. Yes, you read that right. Seriously Kathleen? I went from bad ass to the absolute biggest half ass in a split second. And as much as my amazing trainer tried to get me back to where I needed to be, in my head I was already over it. That’s what gets me the most- the fact that I just let myself give up. For the first time in a LONG time, in that instant I HATED running.  I wanted to throw my Brooks across the street (or maybe at my trainer), have my fiancee pick me up, and call it a day. What came over me? Who was this girl? Did she eat the Rockstar for breakfast? I fought back tears as I crossed the finish line- so incredibly angry with what I had just done.

There’s so many things that I could sit here and blame it on. I can blame it on the fact that I hadn’t run much due to a stupid rolled ankle earlier in the week. That my dad was there to watch me for the first time. Blame it on the fact that I was sweating in my long sleeve shirt before I even took off. That I only ate half my english muffin that morning. I hadn’t had enough water the day before. My playlist wasn’t playing the right songs. I could go on and on.

Bad runs happen, I get that. But I was so angry purely for the fact that I just simply gave in to the voice inside who told me “You want to stop running? Go ahead!” I knew how mad I was going to be at myself later- but it didn’t matter. This coming from the girl who is planning on running a 5 mile race in June? Is signed up for a triathlon in 3 months? Who wants to run a half marathon next year? And you’re telling me she can’t even make it through a 5K?

I realize now how familiar that voice sounds. It’s because it’s been here all along, throughout this journey.
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It told me I’d never change my life style. I did.
It told me I’d never be able to lose the weight. I did.
It told me I’d never run a 5K. I did.
It told me I’d never become a runner. I am. 

This triathlon is scaring the pants off me. I know I say this constantly but I’m in a daily battle between being so incredibly excited- and in a split second wondering who the hell I think I am signing up for something like this.  Is this normal– or am I just a crazy lady over here? Cus I’m starting to feel pretty nuts.

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Am I the only one who envisions triathletes looking like this?

If only my wave could just include myself and my two friends. If only the swimming just meant laps in a nice, calm (chlorinated) pool. If only the biking was a casual ride through the streets of my neighborhood. Then I would be PUMPED for this triathlon, I’d do it tomorrow if I could. I guess it’s the fear of the unknown that’s freaking me out. In my head I’ve created this scenario where I drown in the water as Miss Trunchbull ferociously swims past me. Or I ride my bike straight into a ditch. Or my legs give out before I make it past the first mile marker. I’ve created all sorts of scenarios in my head and sometimes I just want it all to be over so that it’s not the unknown anymore. And I sure wish those voices would take a break every now and then.

Deep breaths Kathleen, deep breaths.

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About Kathleen

When your legs get tired run with your heart.

Posted on May 1, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. sounds like me in so many ways! On Monday I was all excited that I finally felt like a runner and then on Tuesday I walked during my cardio run! I am doing a tri this summer too…I am taking swim lessons starting on Monday!

    • Yeah for Triathlons! I took a Tri technique class this winter and it definitely helped with my technique- although I know that when it comes down to it that day I’m going to do whatever I can to get in and out- good luck with your training!!

  2. Oh man! Everyone has a race like that (like the time I had to drag myself out of bed to a 5k, then showed up to learn that I had actually registered for the 10….oops!). For me, it’s all about figuring out what I need to change to make it work next time…and sometimes I realize that hey, today isn’t my day and that’s all right. You crossed the finish line, and that’s the most important part!

  3. Just try and let it fuel you during future races. I had some races early this year where I know I held back. Eventually, I got a little ticked off at myself and am pushing harder now.

    Good luck with the tri!

    Gi

  4. For someone as rockstar as yourself, you are going to do great at the triathlon! I’ve done 2 sprint ones and they are challenging and scary but fun and a really awesome accomplishment (and I’m not even close to the rockstar you are!) ! My advice: focus I the things you can control (training-follow a plan), take lots of deep breaths, get good gear ( and test it out), do a dry run ( swim in lake, transitions wet to bike etc) and lean on Alicia… She believes in you!

    • Aww, thanks for the confidence boost & advice… I’m taking notes! And by lean on Alicia I hope you mean piggy back during the swim and hitch a ride behind her bike… I told her to work on her arm strength for dragging me through the lake 🙂

  5. Hi Kathleen! So glad you found my blog, and obviously I found yours 🙂 Sounds like you had a tough race too – except you finished WAY ahead of me (you go girl!). And is it just me or did you get super sunburnt too? The backs of my legs are bright pink!

    Where are you located? We so need to go for a run together! I might do the Ruckus Run too and I’m already signed up for the color run… such a small world 🙂

    • I was lucky enough to not get a sunburn- that would have just been the icing on the cake!

      I’m in the Q- we have a running group on Saturday AMs at 8:45ish… let me know if you ever want to join us, we hit pretty much all the South Shore races 🙂

  6. Kathleen: Am enjoying your blog. Wish I could help calm your fears for the tri…but keeping your sense of humor about it and preparing (practicing transitions) will go a long way. I was about your age when I did my first tri, and now, 25 years later I’m still doing them…finishing was my only goal. As a matter of fact… I finished in the bottom 5 in my annual tri last year….but I don’t let that stop me. I wasn’t even planning on looking at the race results until my friend dragged me over to the time board.

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